The Unwanted with Profits of Crime, MSOB and Statue of Demur

Vern’s 622-8 Ave SW Calgary, Alberta, Canada, North America, Planet Earth, Solar System, Main Sequence, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe, Multiverse.....but...what DIMENSION?????

Friday, July 9, 2010
So there I was, trying not to spill beer on my brown suede shoes when all of a sudden this crazy metal band starts attacking my ears. Statue of Demur started the night off the way I like it...metallic. These guys were a cut above most of the metal bands I’ve seen, especially considering they are a three piece. Throw in the skills of “inward singing” and I was no less than astounded.

And then up comes these crazy beer drinking maniacs. Normally I have no trouble getting myself hammered at my own pace, but they constantly got everybody doing “mandatory shots of beer” and being the drunken asshole I am, I participated in every single one. Ripping the Vern’s stage with punk covers that I can’t remember (see aforementioned part about drinking) I began to notice that my suede was becoming more and more damp.

After stepping outside to try and dry my shoes a bit, I walk back in to the ass kicking...but the blood had already been cleaned up and it was time for the crime. With one of the most energetic front men in the scene, Profits of Crime fully captivated me and I’m sure the rest of the crowd at Vern’s. They also ripped another hole in my eardrums. Like a drummer needs more of those! Looking down, I realised it was close to the end...for my shoes.

So I was thinking to myself at this time, “I wonder if anybody could be more energetic on stage than Adam.” And then The Unwanted showed me the answer. Stamping out every ounce of sanity I had, they ripped one song after the other, never slowing down and always keeping the crowd engaged. With Lance and Doug shredding, Pam looking like a misplaced metal head with her hair constantly in her face, Ted pounding and Norm bouncing off the walls I couldn’t ask for more. If, in 17 years, I have anywhere close to half of Norm’s energy, well.....I’d have half of Norm’s energy. By that time, maybe my shoes will be dry.

And to ice the cake, I spent the night in the alley behind Vern’s and woke up to a crack head trying to smash my window out with an empty soup can.

Kevin Crisis

The Dayglo Abortions: Up Close & Out Of The Womb

The Dayglo Abortions: Up Close & Out of the Womb
A Collective Interview of Vulgar Hilarity
The Distillery Pub: June 30th, 2010


Members:
Murray “The Cretin” Acton– Guitar, Vocals
“Willy Jak”– Bass
“Jesus Bonehead” – Drums

“Holy Shiite!” One of Canada’s most abrasive punk bands, The Dayglo Abortions, had stopped through Calgary on June 30th to reunite fans and bring back a piece of punk rock history with them. Considering that the Dayglo Abortions have always been a little hostile and rough around the edges, Audio Distortion had decided to throw away the traditional cue of interview questions and bring out the vulgar hilarity over a couple of beers.

Audio Distortion: “What drives you guys as a band to still make music after 31 years?”

“Well, we are really lucky that we didn’t write songs together about breaking up with our girlfriends. But I mean It’s still fun, you know? I’m always going to be in a band anyway and people still want to see the Dayglo’s play. We’re not here to change the world; we’re just here to change your night. None of us are really married or have children so it just works out that we are still able to do what we love.”

Audio Distortion: “What is your feedback on the recently released biography entitled “Argh Fuck Kill: The Story of the Dayglo Abortions?”

“Well the biography was written by a guy out in Vancouver called Chris Walter and he did that all on his own. He was going to write the book anyway but he decided to interview us all and we contributed to it. It’s really an interesting book. Chris turned it more into a story than a factual thing in a lot of ways – it’s a bit colorized I guess you could say.

>Audio Distortion: “So why would you tell fans to pick it up and read it?”

“Well it has a lot of interesting stories in it about how we got into music and a lot of the stories go way back to before we were even in a band. It has stuff about me and (Jesus) Bonehead when we met back in private school and we were delinquents - Chris talked to us about our elementary school days and shit like that. He tried to get into our heads a little bit.”

Audio Distortion: “If you had the opportunity to punch anyone in the face right now, who would it be?”

Murray Cretin: “Anyone in the face? Right now? I’m going to have to say that Prime Minister of ours.”

> AD: “You mean Steven Harper?”

Murray Cretin: “Yeah! I mean I don’t really hate anyone, but all that shit about Bill C-20 and trying to enforce American laws on Canadian soil? Fuck that! I like Canada for what is it and I like the freedom that we have here. That guy seems to be selling us out, you know? I would punch that guy right in the fucking nose!”

> AD: (To Willy Jak) “Who would you punch in the face?”

Willy Jak: “I would have to say that goof Dog the Bounty Hunter. That guy is just a fucking rat with a TV show. I think that guy definitely needs a punch to the face.”

Audio Distortion: “Do you guys have any plans to play in Afghanistan?”

“I think we have a lot of plans to not play in Afghanistan, actually. As far as I am concerned, you let people and their cultures be people and their cultures – you don’t want to go start pushing other values onto them. It was fun when punk rock wasn’t accepted all that well and it was hostile, but you don’t want to be pushing your shit down anybody’s throat. I’m not going to tell them how they should be living their lives even if I don’t agree with their lifestyle, because they probably don’t agree with mine either. Our latest album ‘Holy Shiite’ was a spoof on that whole thing; that is all the Dayglos are about though is satire and stuff like that.”

Audio Distortion: “Have you guys ever seen two dogs fucking in Dunwich before?”

Murray Cretin: “Where is that? In Saskatchewan somewhere?”
AD: “I don’t know.....”

Murray Cretin: “Well I do remember when I was a little kid seeing these two dogs stuck together ass-to-ass and the wife was trying to pull the dogs apart. She was screaming, ‘Oh my God! Oh my God!’ and this is where I got the lyrics for the song, because the husband runs in to grab a bucket of cold water and turfs it right onto the dogs. It actually worked though and killed the moment, but I guess that’s what happens, hey?”

Audio Distortion: “So all your fans want to know, what’s next?”

“We just started working on a new album. We are going to record again soon and Mike Jak is going to come do it with us. So we are going to bring some of that dual guitar into it again like Two Dogs Fucking. It’s going to be great. We haven’t really finalized any of the recording yet but the concept is going to be a spoof on 2012 - If that’s going to be the end of everything, that’s going to be the end of punk rock too. I was thinking about also doing a love album a couple years ago so I think I might put a couple of those songs on there.”

>AD: “Didn’t you just say you were lucky you didn’t grow up singing love songs?”

“Yeah but this is going to be the truth, not those shitty teenage love songs. Now that I’m a little older I know the truth about love. The front cover was going to have a picture of a guy with a frying pan in his hand, about to bat his wife in the head with it. She would be down on her knees with her heart coming out and be saying something like ‘Ahh! Why are you doing this to me?” and the guy would be telling her, ‘It’s because I love you, Baby!’ It’s not obtrusive, it’s the truth.”

Written by Hayley "Instigator" Sands with interview participation from Adam Buttrey and Greg Cox

Machete, The Band Of Burninators

An Audio Distortion Live Review
June 8th 2010 at Verns Tavern

I’m going to start this review off with a bang by saying that June 8th was another typical Tuesday night at Verns for me. Some shitty metal bands were playing and I was half cut at the bar by myself and barely able to stand by the time the headlining act came up to perform. Normally, my regulated drinking habits would be my main excuse for being able to listen to half these guys, but then again you still could not get me loaded enough to watch the Gypsy Bears. God Bless Clint’s little heart for letting some of these bands perform in his bar. Hey, someone has to do it, right?

Anyway, to sum up my evening I hadn’t even considered writing a review on the show at all. When I go out to tie one off after a long and shitty day at work, the last thing I want to do is put my remaining brain cells to work. However, the headlining act of the evening had introduced themselves as Machete, and I could not help but laugh myself right off my stool when I heard them play.

Their music was great, don’t get me wrong. I could not have been more impressed with their power chord guitar riffs or loud obnoxious drumming, but during their entire set I had envisioned nothing more than a cartoon dragon with a huge bicep coming through and burninating the venue to his own theme song. That’s right; this band should have been playing the music that belongs to the popular internet cartoon Trogdor than playing to a crowd at the bar.

I would almost be interested to figure out who actually influenced these metal kids to make music, because when I approached them with this same comparison they looked at me like I had grown a tail over night or something.

“What on Earth is a Trogdor?” they asked.
“Well, why don’t you go YouTube this shit up right now and get back to me.” While you are at it I should probably tell you that Machete is band of ‘all things awesome’ and you don’t even have to be a fan of metal to enjoy them - you just have to be a fan of early internet cartoons.

Cheers, Burninators!
Hayley Instigator Sands

Local Exposure: Ground Up

Members:
Micah Welsh (Vocals, Guitar)
Mark Morr (Vocals, Guitar)
Jake Richardson (Vocals, Bass)
Kevin Hanson (Drums)

If you have ever found yourself skating around Calgary with a beer in your hand and searching for that right music to fit your mood, Ground Up just may have been what you were looking for. This local skate rock band will bring out the rowdy in anybody and let you loose on a set of wheels going downhill. What might be the epitome of having a bunch of your closest friends come together to make music, has resulted in this band being able to outlast one another for the last five years and build up their energy through continuous song writing and skate grinding.
“Every song has to be played like there is no tomorrow and we always play them as hard as we can.” Explains guitarist, Mark Morr. “Just play every song like you mean it and play it for the people in your band. If that’s not good enough, then there is no point in playing at all. We don’t really give a shit if anyone likes us or not.”
Ground Up will be releasing another album within the next month and wants fans to expect this recording to be their best one yet.
“This next album will be recorded in our rehearsal space where we are all comfortable playing.” Mark tells us. “We will be recording a lot of our older songs along with some new material and doing it on our own terms and our own time. That is what gets the best performance out of the band.”
So if your drinking habits align with coming to watch an aggressive band who will put you on your feet and off your board, watch out! Sheglank’d Shoulders might be pushed off the skate ramp for this one.

Hayley Instigator Sands

Local Exposure: Crystal Mess

With the brand new release of “Worms of The Earth”

Marty Chatrin - Drums
Colin Pain – Bass Guitar
Dave McAuley – Guitar
Joe Gieni – Guitar
Farron Draper – Vocals

Calgary’s own Crystal Mess might be more than just an abusive play on words when it’s comes to the influence this band has had on the young and impressionable throughout the scene. After only being together as a band for the last couple years, I would find it hard to argue that Crystal Mess has been nothing more than “Lightening in a bottle,” especially if you were prepared to hear what was coming next.

These local rowdy’s will soon be releasing a double feature album entitled Worms of the Earth at the end of August. Crystal Mess tells us to be excited because although this next album was supposed to be a limited edition green-vinyl release only, they have realized that not all of the punk kids these days have record players in their living rooms and have included a CD version with the entire package. Recorded locally by Cam Hayden at Huge Ear Studios and mixed by K.C Lewis at Echo Base, Crystal Mess will be stepping up their edge with this second release and bringing out a ton of new and original material.

Stay tuned for the Crystal Mess tentative CD release party at the Palomino with the Cadaver Dogs, Breathes Knives and Wake on August 28th.

Hayley Instigator

I Hate Stampede!

I HATE Stampede
Written by Slim Nelson

Howdy fellow babies, been awhile ain’t it? …. I’m back in the saddle again for another go ‘round… Same view, slightly bent maybe a little more jagged around the edges… life is a bit hazy still, but getting better every day. Hey! It was sweet bein’ back in the ol’ cowtown again.
Summer is here and to quote, the time is right for dancin’ in the streets. And goin’ to festivals and sittin’ on patios and just plain old bein’ lazy…. I’m good at that kinda’ stuff. But I’m gettin’ off topic …

Stampede is over for another year and this lonely old cowpuncher ain’t too miserable about it bein’ gone and done. You see, I hate Stampede…. I know, I know… you’d think that for someone who rides a pale horse and hears the lonely howl of freight trains or the far off howl of coyotes in every steel guitar chord, that this time of year would be heaven for me … well sit down a spell and let me tell ya’ why I hate this time of year so much.

Firstly, everyone is in such a damn good mood… saying howdy to strangers, openin’ doors for lil’ ol’ ladies, bein’ patient with the kiddies, hell, I even saw the deputy sheriff warn someone about bein’ rowdy instead of throwin’ his sorry ass in the hoosegow. It just pains me to see how well folks are gettin’ along… my boss even gave us a break from ropin’ and ridin’ just so we could mosey on down to the parade. Huh??? Personally I think he had been into the hootch but I wasn’t about to call him on it… after all, we were gettin’ a chance to cut loose early so who could argue with that? Still I fuckin’ hate that people are so damn friendly for only 10 days in July…

Secondly, and this is probably the one thang I hate most…. Didja’ try and get out to listen to some live music doggies? I tried… and I got around but the thing is there’s just so much to choose from… Stomps, roundups, hoedowns, BBQ’s, Stampede breakfasts, big tents, the music was everywhere babies, didja’ see that they even put a fence around old Fort Calgary, invited 20,000 folks down and brought in a few classic rock bands for the masses. Even the big, fancy uptown bars get in on the toe-tappin’ music… fact is, you couldn’t shoot a gun in this town without pickin’ off some musician singin’ or playin’. And it just isn’t country music, there was Rock Country , blues, bluegrass, hip hop… the whole 9 yards. Somethin’ for everyone… Honestly it ain’t fair, … having so much to choose from… near drove me insane… you can’t go out EVERY night can you? God, I hate Stampede.

And what about the drinkin’? You know me, I cain’t say no to a cold beer but it’s gettin’ ridiculous… everywhere you go … the ice cold beer, whisky, margaritas and whatever else you fancied … and not just a couple snorts either… there was more than a few of us bellying up to the trough the past 10 days and I don’t know ‘bout them other folks but it ‘bout near killed me. Not only did I hate Stampede but I was also beginning to dislike myself for havin’ so much fun. How is a fella’ supposed to maintain a sense of self-worth when the chance to drink presents itself every damn day? Like I said …. Me and my liver hate stampede.

Lastly, the vittles… in my mind there ain’t nothin’ more effective at soaking up last night’s celebratin’ than a couple strips of fatback bacon wrapped in a soggy flapjack with some maple syrup to chase it …you know what buckaroos? I don’t mind payin’ my own way, that’s why I work so hard back on the ranch all winter … but here in cowtown during the Stampede… there’s free vittles every place you go… breakfast, lunch and dinner… trouble is a guy can’t eat like that every day… so now my horse is mad at me for packin’ on so many pounds… I’ll be lucky if old Paint gets me halfway back to the ranch … I’m tellin’ ya’… I HATE Stampede…
So fellow babies, thanks for lettin’ me bend your ear… hope Stampede was good to you… I think next year I am going to Saskatchewan for the entire month of July! I heard they don’t have many bars out that way so maybe that’s the best thing.

Happy Trails….

PS –To tell you the truth… maybe this ain’t such a bad time of year anyhow…. Next year I might even make it down to the Stampede grounds….

- Slim Nelson

Talkin' Shit With Damien Inbred

Well, shit.
I’m violating the golden rule right now, and writing a column about having writer’s block. Fuck.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, but it’s a matter of dividing my writing between different magazines and fanzines. That’s the problem with being such a hot fucking punk-rock celebrity – my hot fucking talent is in high demand (or something)! I’ll leave the half-cocked angry political rhetoric to my column in Proane Existence. I’ll leave my all-ages scene gushing to the report I submitted to Maximum Rock-n-Roll. Hell, I’ll leave most of my random scraps of crap to my shitty zine Body Count. For you fine folks, I’ll abandon my usual grumpy/arrogant/punk elitist persona (for this month only! That shit’ll be back with a vengeance next month!). This month, I have a tale of dashed hopes, forgotten dreams, crushed glory, and other lies.

It all started in June of 2008. I was living in Victoria at the time.

One weekend I decided to go to Vancouver and take a load off. As soon as I got off work, I rushed out and cashed my paycheck, then got on a city bus to the ferry terminal. I should have taken the date (Friday, June 13th) into consideration when the clerk at the terminal told me the boat was going to be delayed. I went to the gate and waited with half of Victoria, apparently. We got herded to the next gate, and found out that the incoming boat had lost an engine. Great – this was our boat to Van.

Finally, around five hours later, we arrived at the bus terminal in Vancouver. Met up with SP and her friends, then got some beer and headed to the Alf House near East Hastings. There was a backyard show going on, and I got to see MARGARET THRASHER, which is always a fun time. This house is so fucking cool, might I add... a punk house straight out of some 80s punxploitation flick, but way fucking cooler. It's in a fairly undeveloped area, so that's why they were able to have a goddamn show there. Of course, the place is filthier than the Castle Pub’s washrooms after a Motherfuckers show, but that’s what I expected anyway.

Afterward, SP and I made the futile attempt to go to Pub 340, but the fucking bar and sidewalk in front of the damn place were both packed to the tits with... TEENYBOPPERS. Was it some weird high school grad thing? I don't know, but there was no way anybody was getting in. Fucking terrible. Pissed off, we went to a quiet pub to finish off the night. When last call came around, SP walked me to the shitty backpacker's hostel I stayed at last time I was in town. But hey - wouldn't you know it? The place was absolutely full! The guy told me to try the Cobalt, but I figured I'd find something else. So I spent the next couple of hours walking around looking for another hostel. As luck would have it, I was not stabbed during my quest, which led me right back to the Cobalt. Doh. Okay, fine - I dropped some cash and crashed out in the worst room I've ever stayed in. Again – everything I expected and more.

Next morning, I was brought back to consciousness by the sound of a speed freak talking to herself in the hallway. Great. After inspecting the doorknob, I figured that even though I had two nights in this palace, I should take all my shit with me anyway.

After wandering around town a bit, I met up with my pal from Calgary and her partner. We wandered around, and I gave a half-ass tour of downtown Vancouver. I mentioned the S****tology Center on Hastings, and we decided to check it out...maybe get one of those legendary E-Meter stress tests, or get to watch the next Mission Impossible installment for free, or something. But before we could go and mercilessly mock the cultists, we noticed a crowd of folks with signs and masks outside the S****tology Center. Turns out they were protesting against the many fucked-up practices of the C***ch of S****tology. In fact, these protests take place around the globe on a monthly basis. Wow. I got some info, and engaged some of the protesters in good conversation. I decided to censor the name of the “church”, because who knows if their spies are watching me RIGHT NOW.

Later that evening, I met up with SP again and we drank in a park before heading to Pub 340 where we accidentally saw some stoner metal bands... Not really my thing, but I dug the guitar tone of the one band. The initial plan was supposed to involve us going to see some burlesque show at the Cobalt and then to an all-night fest at the Emergency Room. Well, after countless beers at the Cobalt, we ended up crashing following the burlesque show. (Great show, by the way - I really appreciated the diversity of sizes that was represented) Since SP was couch-surfing at the moment, she ended up crashing in my room.

...of course, before any sleep was to happen, we had to take care of the one little problem, which was the fact that there were two people in my fucking bed when I opened the door. One of whom was a prostitute, the other was her john. Shit. For once in my goddamn life, I made a fuss. I went and got the guy from the desk and told him what was up. He went up and yelled at them, threatening to call the cops, while SP helped the lady gather up her drugs and assorted paraphernalia. I didn't want to be a prick about it, but I made sure to get my money back for the room.

After that was dealt with, we went to sleep.

Next morning, we were woken up by the fire alarm. My favourite! It was a false alarm, so we went back to bed...to be woken up by roofers working on the building next door or something. Well, it wasn't so much the roofers that woke us up as much as the guy in our building who screamed at the poor working stiff "IF YOU KEEP HAMMERING, I'M GONNA PUT THAT HAMMER IN YOUR ASS!" and other empty threats. It escalated to the point where the guy went up to the roofers and yelled a bunch more shit at them. By the end of that ordeal, this asshole was screaming racist shit at the roofers, calling them "Camel jockeys" and shit like that. On the plus side, a bunch of the Cobalt residents were on the verge of shutting the racist asshole up for good too. Jeez, all this excitement and it wasn't even 10 am yet!

Other than finally tracking down a RUN DMC shirt and having some nondescript breakfast, that was my cute little weekend in Vancouver. I moved back to Calgary three weeks later to spread my arrogant prick disease among you bastards.

Love,
Damien!

ENDNOTES:
- I still don’t get why people give a shit about the DAYGLO ABORTIONS. Seriously – they should have broken up after their first LP.
- Same with the MISFITS. Give it up. Fuck.
- Some old bands are still kill. THE BUSINESS, for example. Or fucking AMEBIX!!! (Hey, they have a new 12” out on Profane Existence Records! You should get it – it’s the best thing to come out this year, hands down. 3 classic tracks re-recorded in 2009 with the slightly new lineup. Unlike other “old guy bands”, they still sound fresh and you can tell that they still have the passion. Get the record! It also comes with a cool embroidered patch and a download card. www.profaneexistence.org )
- Yeah, I still have my podcast, Doomed Society over at PE. Check it: www.profaneexistence.org/radio-podcasts

Chron Goblin (Self Titled E.P)

I have biases! Just thought I’d forewarn you. I’m friends with Chron Goblin. Likely, you are too. It’s almost certain you’ve seen them play at a house party you’ve been at, or you know one of the band members and go way back together. Having said that, even if I weren’t friends with Darty, Brett, Josh, and Richard it wouldn’t be hard to get stoked on this CD. It’s got five tracks and no need for filler. Sure, it’s stoner rock BUT it’s not boring or repetitive to an endless k-hole-inducing extent. Before sitting down to listen hard I engaged in gobbling some goblin-goobers (secret code). Then I did something or other. Then I wandered around a bit. Then I remembered the CD. It felt like a very good discovery at the time.

Some things were written down while listening to the CD. Most won’t be transcribed here as I’m not going to waste your time with gibberish about cats. I will comment that the recording quality is exceptionally good for a local band and the CD artwork cracks me up. It’s a re-imagined cartoon cribbed from the movie Reefer Madness. I’m sure you can figure out why.

Track one, Mirrors, starts off heavy and strong. Good groove to it, man, it’s my favourite. Walk With Me, the second track is based around a slower, chunky Sabbath-esque riff and noodles around from there with some tempo intensification and a couple solos. Track four (Change your Hair) gets down to the sludgy and weighty like fifty-seven pounds of beef placed directly on top of your head. I don’t know what that comparison means but I wrote it down on a scrap of paper and evidently found it amusing at the time. Self-indulgent crap aside, I will not change my hair. Flatfooted Hypocrite, the final track is my second favourite track on the album, it’s pretty nifty. Brett’s drums fully complement Darty’s guitar parts and Josh’s vocals stand at the top of a mighty mountain of music. I can’t really comment on Richard’s bass playing on the album as he either has to follow Darty’s guitar or play a straight-ahead rhythm line for the songs to work. I recall that he had just joined the band when the album was being recorded so he probably didn’t have time to really step out on his own and go Victor-Wooten-buck-wild all over the place. He’s a nice person in a guitar-driven band though, so don’t hold anything against him.

In fact, the whole band is worth the price of admission to one of their shows even if they don’t play a single note! If you do catch them live, watch Brett play drums. It’ll make you happy. He stole Nicko McBrain’s ever-present grin. I can’t imagine for the life of me what makes them all grin like that, squinting their beady little eyes against an unseen glare.

- Glen Murdock